Higgs Bosom

Okay; I have this one, I really do. Let’s start at the beginning, right at the beginning.

The big bang was about a million million years ago. Some christians think that it was only 2000 years ago but this is ridiculous because it was crazy loud and if was that recent then you’d probably be still be able to hear it. I mean, I did an experiment last week where my friend Jason fired a handgun next to my ear while aiming at Fluffykins 10m away. We were testing if sound really was faster than light. The results were inconclusive but one thing that was noted is that I may have caught tintinitus. I’m also still grounded and had to sew Fluffykins a new ear to stop my sister from crying. 

Anyway, I digest. My point was that a mere gun can ruin a healthy boy’s 20-20 hearing so imagine how loud the big bang would be. The echoes would still be bouncing off the walls, unless the big bang was made of ducks. This is, of course, unlikely.

The universe expanded like a balloon and planets were made out of old suns and life grew and all that shit.

That brings us up to the present. A few years ago, some Swiss scientist made a giant underground clock and used it to time sub-aquatic particles that they smashed into each other. They were looking for something called the Higgs Bosom, named after one of the scientists wife’s tits because she always wore a wonderbra and no one could tell if they existed or not.

Apparently a bosom is also a type of really small atom. They needed to find it to explain why the universe was so heavy. Basically, I’m not sure if the non-scientific among you will get this but stars and suns are made mostly out of hydrogen and helium so if the universe is a balloon full of hydrogen and helium, it should be floating away. But it isn’t so there must be something small and heavy hiding somewhere inside it, like chubby ballast.

“Well, did they find it?” I hear you ask. Yes, sort of. They didn’t not find it and in any free country it’s innocent until proven guilty which is a bit like jinx and no returns. They also didn’t not find a lot of other crazy stuff like a particle that can travel faster than light (I fucking told you Jason) and they made a black hole that is going to eat everyone.