Card Counting

I’m amazing at gambling because I have a 5^th sense and I can see the future basically. But I don’t want to use my skill too much because either a) I will become the modern day Nosferatu and people will keep asking me to read their palm leaves and shit or b) the NRA will use all their spying stuff to have me arrested as some sort of wizard (although then I might at least have a shot at finger-banging Emma Watson). 

Since my future prediction ability is not a transferable skill, I’ll explain how you retards can make a ton of money by just using your eyes.

Blackjack was created in Las Vegas and has been around for years, even before Robert DeNiro used to own a casino there. My dad says Frank Sinatra used to play there with his pet packrat so it’s pretty old. The rules are that you buy cards off the dealer until you have 21. If the dealer collects 21 cards before you then he keeps all your money but if he doesn’t then you get, like, a million dollars or something. Most idiots just play it by luck and wait to see what happens but if you’re in anyway smart then you will count your cards so you know how many more you need to get to 21; it’s basic arithmetic.

The only problem is that casinos don’t like you doing it because they want to keep it a secret that there’s only 42 cards in a deck, even though it should be obvious because that’s 21 for you and 21 for the dealer. Once you know it, you can use this to get whatever you want in life or the universe or anything. 

The Financial Crisis

I never have any money so I don’t know what everyone is fucking complaining about but I’ve put together a basic outline of why you’re going to work in McDonald’s after collage.

All the cash in the world is covered in cocaine and that’s because the only people who use real money are drug dealers and prostitutes. A long time ago, banks decided it would be much easier if they just made imaginary money, like in a board game, but rather than wasting all the paper trees they just gave you a digital card which told you how much you had. Now it was really easy for bankers to just give people money because they just needed to go on a computer and add more numbers.

The problem was that they started giving the imaginary money to poor people so they could buy houses. Poor people are stupid and they used the cards wrong and this made the bankers’ computer crash. The government gave the bankers lots of imaginary money to fix the banking machine but it took too long and everyone got bored so they decided to have a long recess, called the recession. It was like the great depression but it wasn’t very great.

Since Germany won World War ii, most of the countries in Europe have worked for them but now they all wanted a raise so they could retire early. Germany said no nine times so they all gave up and said that they couldn’t be bothered to work anymore.

That means there are no foreigners to work in McDonalds so America can’t get fast food so now you have to work there or we won’t have any food. It’s a bit like military service except worse for your health. 

Higgs Bosom

Okay; I have this one, I really do. Let’s start at the beginning, right at the beginning.

The big bang was about a million million years ago. Some christians think that it was only 2000 years ago but this is ridiculous because it was crazy loud and if was that recent then you’d probably be still be able to hear it. I mean, I did an experiment last week where my friend Jason fired a handgun next to my ear while aiming at Fluffykins 10m away. We were testing if sound really was faster than light. The results were inconclusive but one thing that was noted is that I may have caught tintinitus. I’m also still grounded and had to sew Fluffykins a new ear to stop my sister from crying. 

Anyway, I digest. My point was that a mere gun can ruin a healthy boy’s 20-20 hearing so imagine how loud the big bang would be. The echoes would still be bouncing off the walls, unless the big bang was made of ducks. This is, of course, unlikely.

The universe expanded like a balloon and planets were made out of old suns and life grew and all that shit.

That brings us up to the present. A few years ago, some Swiss scientist made a giant underground clock and used it to time sub-aquatic particles that they smashed into each other. They were looking for something called the Higgs Bosom, named after one of the scientists wife’s tits because she always wore a wonderbra and no one could tell if they existed or not.

Apparently a bosom is also a type of really small atom. They needed to find it to explain why the universe was so heavy. Basically, I’m not sure if the non-scientific among you will get this but stars and suns are made mostly out of hydrogen and helium so if the universe is a balloon full of hydrogen and helium, it should be floating away. But it isn’t so there must be something small and heavy hiding somewhere inside it, like chubby ballast.

“Well, did they find it?” I hear you ask. Yes, sort of. They didn’t not find it and in any free country it’s innocent until proven guilty which is a bit like jinx and no returns. They also didn’t not find a lot of other crazy stuff like a particle that can travel faster than light (I fucking told you Jason) and they made a black hole that is going to eat everyone.